Dear Noah and Nicole-
January was a hard month. Maybe you noticed, maybe you did not? I hope that you noticed a little bit, but not enough to trouble your sweet souls. I have been sad and filled with a myriad of different emotions. These emotions hit me in waves, and the undercurrents pulling me deep within myself. You have found me quiet with tears welled up in my eyes, or just silently looking out on our “mountain”, lost in thought. You tugging at my shirt tails, or leaving me to my self. I’ve tried explaining to you the loss I feel, why I had to travel without you. My struggle with goodbyes. All of my my explanations seem sorely inadequate for your young hearts. One day I will fully explain.
In this place of loss, each of you my dear dear children has filled my heart to its fullness with your love, your compassion, your hugs, your smiles, your snuggles, your smell, and with your light. You are my light. You remind me that together as a family we can face the ups and downs and the everyday. I love that we hold fast to one another in our family, but your light reminds me that I am ever more grateful that you have each other. Whether it be physically to lean on, to laugh with, or fight with, or emotionally to be each others compass, to hold each other accountable, to stand together as brother and sister, I am thankful. Each of you has your own light, you are your own person, but part of who you are is defined by being a brother and a sister and I pray that bond will holdfast in your lives. Your light is a reflection of a similar bond that I share with my brother. A bond, bound by blood, tough yet beautiful, like kelp forests, swaying in the ocean currents, tangled together in the storms, seeking light during calmer seas, held fast by a strong bond. Brothers and Sisters.
Like both of you, brother and sister, I am bonded to my brother through a childhood of knowing we had one another to be a compass, and that we would always stand together, as family. Your uncle Josh was my holdfast as I swayed and struggled to say goodbye, as I coped with the loss, and my brother stood beside me in those moments to say goodbye to the man we called our Dad. As brother and sister, we knew that each of us could not do this alone. That in those moments of goodbyes we needed to be together, we needed a holdfast, and that was one another.
As the days have passed and I reflect on a childhood and an adulthood marked with an absence, your sweet light remains, and have become rays of warm sun, as I seek calmer seas. And again, one day I will fully explain.
love,
Mommy
Joining me this month in this very personal project of Letters to Our Children is The Cotten Wife | Jennifer Warthan. Please follow the links around to read and see of the wonderful and thoughtful letters.
Images to follow soon.
